Sunday, November 29, 2015



It's either a blessing or a curse. I think it's the latter.

I have OCD and it's pretty bad.

People often associate the obsession with organizing and cleanliness to us. Just anything related to organizing in general. I agree that it has its perks. We keep things neatly, sometimes even with color codes. We make things go easy on the eyes to see. But what about in our minds?

It drives me insane, to be honest. To proceed on doing something else but the fear of "imperfection" will always, always be in the back of my mind. I have passed the stage where organizing things is the main obsession (don't get me wrong, I'm still obsessed with precise arrangements), but it has absorbed into other things: time.

Just like the majority of the women out there, I'm a multitasker. I squeeze as much tasks to be completed simultaneously. I will beat and blame myself if I didn't fully utilize the time and do as many works as I can. I can't easily organize my times just like how I organize the things on the shelves. I will hate myself if I don't complete something within the self-expected time. When I've started doing something and another thing suddenly triggered the interest, I will shift onto the other activity because my mindset will tell me "you have to do this now too, Fatin. or else you're going to ruin the rest of your day." There's a lot of inner voices that I'm forced to listen to in my mind. It sucks.

Most of the times, I have to do the exact things twice because my OCD mindset unconsciously told me that the first versions are not good enough. I have to redo it. Sometimes it does feel as if I'm in the verge of going insane. My head hurts, my concentration is haywired. My mind is constantly calculating and working unnecessarily thinking about the microdetails... 

Do you think I need to see a shrink or a doctor? Do you think I need help? I guess I do.

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