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Oh how much I missed you, my blog! It has been almost 2 years. I miss writing. I just do not have the time and convenience to write. Posting on Instagram or Facebook does not feel the same as blogging. 

I shall make a return soon.

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OMG can't believe that the last time I blogged was exactly 2 years ago!

I do miss blogging but seriously, with all the things happening at the moment, I can barely find time to even bathe, let alone write a blog.

Quick update. I am now a MOM OF TWO! Who would've thought? Alhamdulillah. It was something Hilmi and I joked about actually.

"Hey wouldn't it be cool to have a 2020 baby?"

"Yes. The baby would be our own Wawasan 2020. We can say that we did produce something great in 2020" #lame

Fast forward to last month, I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy. Still juggling between taking care of both my kids and my sanity ha ha ha

Baby boy's name is Hadid Fardeen Mohd Hilmi (the radiant iron). May he lives up to his name in shaa Allah.

He is the best thing that has happened to me in 2020. It has been a whirlwind year with all the COVID-19 cases. May Allah protect us all.

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First day of November. Hilwa is 50 days old today and I have twelve days to go before my maternity leave ends.

Her progress: She sleeps soundly at night, alhamdulillah, which means we can rest longer then. She still likes to be carried and cuddled after she had her milk, which sometimes can be up to an hour or two. I got really tired by then but I still need to pump, have my meal, shower, have a nap. I can't decide which one to do first and the cycle starts again before I know it. She doesn't cry when we bathe her but she gets cranky when being dressed. And the best part is she smiles often these days and have been cooing as well!

The worrying part is that she had colic twice so far and she inclined to face her left side more than her right. The first time she had colic was because I always had my meals late. I didn't know that it would affect the baby, so I only ate when I'm hungry...which can be very late sometimes. Turns out I must eat on time regardless if I am already hungry or not. The second time was because of my milk. As for her tendency to face to the left, I have tried massaging her neck and back but I don't want to force her. I hope that this is just a stage and slowly, she will face her right naturally.

To date, she has used about 4 packets of diapers, which is roughly around 280 pieces of diapers (whoaaa). She drinks between 2-2.5oz every 2-3 hours. She doesn't mind drinking room temp milk (good, because reheating the bottle every time would be super tiring!). She has wayyy too many clothes at this point hahaha people just can't stop buying her clothes, it seems. I have not bought her any clothes in Malaysia at all since I bought a handful from UK for her to wear at least until she's 1 year old.

We have met her soon-to-be babysitter and in shaa Allah, I hope she can take care of my daughter like how she would with her own daughter. It's too risky these days but parents don't have a choice but to send the kids still. 

We're heading back to Shah Alam this weekend to sort our stuffs before I start work. I will definitely miss my home and my family. Sigh, already a mom and still a crybaby when it comes to this! Lol.

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My labor story.

I was told many times that I might deliver sooner than my EDD (which was 6th September) but turned out that I gave birth five days later.

I read that when your water broke, it would feel like you peeing. A warm gush of clear water coming out from your vagina. That was exactly what I felt that Saturday morning. Luckily Hilmi was still up at 2am playing games so I calmly went to his desk and told him, "I think my water just broke". He didn't panic and responded, "just now?". I nodded and asked him to get some sleep as it might be a long night/day ahead of us soon.

As he was sleeping, I found myself struggling to close my eyes. I was so worried. "Should we go to the hospital now? Should we wait until I feel some kind of pain?" I did read that when your water broke, you should go to the hospital immediately as your baby might suffocate in the womb. I can't figure who to ask at 3am. Thank God for the time differences and I immediately texted my friend in York, asking her if I should go to the hospital right away. She advised me to wait for at least an hour or two. That's exactly what I did. 

By 5.30am, we were out of the house and had a quick meal at the nearby mamak. Then we went to Hospital Shah Alam and the waiting game began. Various tests were made as they weren't really sure if I was just leaking or my water actually broke. Hilmi went back around 3pm and promised to come back after Maghrib. I was transferred to the ward around 8pm and it was actually one of the saddest moment in my life. I was so upset that I won't get to see Hilmi until 12pm the next day. I was afraid of the what ifs. I mean, I was glad to finally got a bed and was able to rest properly. But I didn't expect that I would get a bed this soon, based on prior experience.

The next day, doctors were making rounds and called me to the room for evaluation. It seemed that I need to be induced as I still wasn't progressing. I had been at 2cm since yesterday. Fast forward to 12pm when the visiting hours started, Hilmi and my parents-in-law arrived. I was sobbing when I first saw Hilmi and he hugged me. Then my mom, dad, and sister came. I was happy to see them. Then everyone went back except Hilmi, he stayed until 7pm. I didn't cry this time around. I made some friends with the ladies in my ward so I no longer felt scared or alone. 

The next morning, Monday 10th September, after I had my breakfast and shower, I was surprised to know that I was being called to the labor room. I wasn't prepared for this! I mean, wow, already?! Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to take our phones with us to the labor room so I quickly texted Hilmi to come and to update our family group. This is it.

At 9.30am, I was still at 4cm. I had tubes and wires all over me - the CTG monitor, blood pressure monitor, drips. I was reciting prayers and zikirs all the time. I was super nervous. Hilmi was allowed to enter the room at around 11am. Every time the nurses or doctor would want to examine me, he was asked to step aside. We were chatting and occasionally, Hilmi went out for prayers and to eat.

Hours went by, and the nurses and doctor kept asking if I would like to have a painkiller. I said no. This went on several times, until they said "you're very strong. we already gave you the highest dosage (induce) yet you still refused the painkiller". I simply told them that it was not painful, probably because my period pain was this bad. Lol. At about 5pm, they asked me again and this time they mentioned that the painkiller is also a muscle relaxant. It could speed up the cervix opening. Why didn't you tell this earlier? I would have said yes sooner!

So Hilmi and I agreed to take the painkiller solely for the latter reason. I was stillll at 4cm by 5pm, you guys. It was taking too long and it was dangerous as my water broke since 9.30am. Once the painkiller started kicking in, yes, that's when the cramp became crazy. It is true though when they said that contraction is like a very very bad period cramp. I was mentally drained by this time because I have not had any meal and drink since breakfast.  

Poor Hilmi, every time the cramp kicked in, I could see that he was too scared to say anything to me. Lol. I wasn't screaming but I was pleading to him to please do something about all the wires on me. It was very uncomfortable. I wasn't allowed to lie on my sides as it could give the machines the wrong readings. I was progressing at about 6cm at this point (10pm). I was getting cranky because I was worn out. I remembered telling Hilmi that I don't mind going for a c-sec as I just couldn't bear the discomfort and the cramps any longer. 

Luckily by 11.55pm, I started feeling like there's something coming out from my vagina. From my readings, people said that if you feel like pooping, it means that your baby's head is emerging. I didn't feel like I was going to poop and I certainly didn't think that my baby was already coming out as I was sure that I was only at 6-7cm at that point. So I informed the doctor, "doc, I feel like something is coming out but I am not sure what it is". They quickly gathered the equipment and all, and I was asked to push. Wow, already?!

I didn't remember how many times did I push, but I know that I didn't feel anything. Probably the cramps were so bad that everything else was just a breeze. At 12.07am, after almost 15 hours in the labor room, our baby girl was out. Alhamdulillah! I am now a mom! At one point I had a glance at Hilmi and he had his hands on his face. Not sure if he was crying, or a sign of relief. Baby girl did not cry when they put her on me but I could see that her hands were moving. She was rushed to the NICU and was warded. Alhamdulillah, she was out after 3 days.

The first thing I said after the baby was out was "nak air". Damn I was thirsty.

Overall, my labor experience was an easy one. I was expecting the worst, thanks to the videos and blogs that I watched and read. I am happy and satisfied with the top-notch treatment I had from everyone from Hospital Shah Alam. The facilities are also wonderful and comfortable - something that I underestimated prior to checking into the hospital.

Thank you to everyone who attended to me and my baby and made this a memorable experience for my family.